The Introvert/ Extrovert Dilemma

I love to be in my home, at night, with my dog. It’s a special bonus if it's a Friday night and I don’t have to be up for anything in particular in the morning. It's so cliche - but it’s who I am and we have accepted it. I love a quiet evening to think my thoughts, organize my ideas, and complete a household task or two.

Concerts are one of my personal nightmares - so many people in such a small space! Large parties? I don’t think so - unless there is a litter of puppies present (and there usually isn’t). No crowded please restaurants and for heaven’s sake, NO, I do not want to sit at the bar... unless there is crab dip....

And then there is that guy I am married to. Everyone is this guy’s best friend. He has no difficulty sharing the details of our daily life with people that I feel don’t need to know the details. HIs social circle is larger than mine and his list of interests greater.

While he loves to hear this iPhone chime with exciting new communications I am purposefully ignoring the dingy noises. If I am not actively ignoring my phone, it’s because I have forgotten my phone altogether...accidentally of course.

The funny thing is, that we have found ourselves married to each other. It’s true, I have found myself married to someone who is almost the complete opposite of me. While I am putting on my special Friday night pajama set, he is suggesting activities - any activity - that will break the monotony of a quiet evening in.

He likes: noisy sporting events where people stand or sit very close to other people, loud concerts with unrealistic people to bathroom ratios, and birthday parties! For whom? It doesn’t matter.

I like: BOOKS! Looking at pictures of beagles on the Internet, quiet walks along the water and window shopping at Crate & Barrel. My absolute favorite thing? The peace and quiet of my home when no one else is in it.

So how did we find each other?

The same way introverts and extroverts always find each other: The Extrovert sees the Introvert and is intrigued by the challenge. The Introvert sees the Extrovert but pretends that she didn't. The Extrovert becomes more intrigued while the Introvert? Continues to ignore the Extrovert.

After a brief standoff, the Introvert makes a witty comment so that the Extrovert finally feels permission to speak to the Introvert. The Introvert can’t believe that the Extrovert would take notice and gets a little nervous and makes even more sarcastic comments. The friends of both the Extrovert and the Introvert tire of watching this dance and stage a group walk out - leaving the two alone together.

Eventually the Introvert and the Extrovert bond as they realize that they both have at least one thing in common - horrible friends! This realization leads to other great realizations - they both love ice cream, puppies, and MUSIC!

The Deal is SEALED and all goes very well. A lovely wedding happens. You continue your relationships with your old friends while meeting new ones at your places of employment and church - and then a bit of a…. bump may occur.

What causes this bump?

Well, it could be one of many little life transitions. But most often its the addition of children to the family unit. Kids are wonderful and can bring us closer together as a couple. However, those of us who are a bit more introverted may find that we have a lot less energy than we did before. But it's okay - because both the Extrovert AND the Introvert are working together to give their children adequate attention, love, and care.

But the problem is mathematical. The extrovert has more energy points in their energy bank at the beginning of the day while the introvert has considerably less. At the end of the day the Extrovert has more energy in their energy bank than their more introverted partner. The Introvert, though satisfied and happy, is totally out of energy points.

The Extrovert is happy to continue to be a part of social events, ministries at church, and child free date nights The extrovert's post baby life looks similar to the life that was lived before.

But for us of us INFJs, we know that our energy bank account is on low. The Introvert is tired. The Introvert is on hiatus from all ministry opportunities until further notice. The Introvert does not want to have a date night. At the end of the day, when the baby is in bed - the Introvert wants to be tucked safely in their quiet home.

This confuses the Extrovert who feels as though something is terribly wrong. Why doesn’t the Introvert want to do the things that they once loved to do? The Introvert is also confused - how does the Extrovert have the energy to continue on as if a major lifestyle change has not just taken place?

And how can they keep this from becoming a conflict?

1. Acknowledge your differences. Not all people are like you. Your needs and preferences are not the same as your partner’s needs and wants. You may wish to complete a temperament analysis, the Meyers Briggs, or other personality survey. Discuss the differences. The person that he is? It is not wrong. The person that she is? Just the way that she’s supposed to be.

2. Be ready to serve one another. How? By choosing to joyfully participate in a few spontaneous activities with your Extrovert. If you are the Extrovert, embrace a night in. When both the Extrovert and the Introvert are committed to the other’s happiness, stepping out of your comfort zone is not such a chore.

3. Serve one another in love, but check for balance. Sometimes, there is one member of the marital team that is more eager to serve the other by simply giving in. This is the partner that is more likely to sublimate their own needs to ensure the happiness of their husband or wife. While this may seem like the perfect solution to the Introvert/ Extrovert dilemma it is actually no solution at all. The partner that gives in all the time may feel a bit of satisfaction at first, but over time may build up resentment towards the other. The partner may become anxious because they are consistently they are spending too much time in OR too much time out.

4. You don’t need to fix one another. Don’t forget; the Extrovert is not wrong and the Introvert is not wrong. You are both who you are supposed to be. What if you were both Extroverts? What would your life be like? On the other hand, what if neither you ever felt motivated to leave the house? There is a purpose for BOTH of you.

Can you label the introvert in your relationship? The Extrovert?

How can you BOTH better support one another's needs?