Enmeshment & and the problem with blurry boundaries

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

Psalm 139:14

During the 1970s, noted Argentinian Family Therapist, Salvatore Minuchin finally gave a label to an age old relationship dynamic: enmeshment. According to Salvatore, enmeshment occurs when personal boundaries are diffused, sub-systems undifferentiated, and over-concern for others leads to a loss of autonomous development.

So what does that mean? This may be the best way to explain it:

We all have boundaries. Boundaries are those hidden lines or fences that separate us from...everyone else. That place inside your hidden lines is where all the great stuff about you is kept, stuff like your love of animals, your need to spend time alone, your love of serving others, your need to escape into a good book, your deep affection for your friends - all of those things that make you, well... YOU.

Enmeshment describes what happens when there are no lines between you and others. When the line between you and them becomes so blurred that you forget where you end and someone else begins. How do you know that you have become enmeshed? You'll know because you will forget important things like: your love of animals, and your need to for quiet time. Maybe you will stop reading books that you love, or step back from ministry ...

Some of us are already have really good at boundaries. We grew up homes that acknowledged our individuality. Our parents and loved ones helped us to embrace Psalm 139, especially the 14th verse in which David reminds us that God did a wonderful job - creating us to be exactly who He wanted us to be.

But some of us grew up in a different story.

Have you ever passed an abandoned home and observed the landscaping? You may have noticed that over time, some of the more invasive plants grew in such a way that the smaller plants were no longer able to bloom? The plants became so intermingled that you were not able to tell where one plant ended and the other began. These plants are enmeshed - their autonomous development has been stalled, and their sub- systems? Totally undifferentiated.

Does this picture of describe anyone you know?

Counselors and pastors often see this phenomenon in parent - child relationships. Perhaps the parent has imposed their interests, needs, spiritual gifts, or goals onto their child. And now, the child has grown older and is having difficulty choosing their own path. This child may even be a bit depressed or anxious, not knowing quite who they are - but knowing they are not all that they were meant to be.

But we know that that this social phenomenon is not just found in parent - child relationships, but in marriage relationships as well. Sometimes, out of our sincere love for one another, we sublimate our own spiritual gifts, our own needs and priorities to make those that we love happy. In every marriage relationship, there will be times when either the husband or the wife step out of their boundary lines to spend time with loved ones. However, individuals that are enmeshed often end up spending more time OUT of their boundary lines than INSIDE of them. And they forget who it is that the God of no mistakes intended us to be.

When did we cross over from being simply involved in one another’s lives to becoming enmeshed?

Well, It likely happened slowly and over time. And then, over the years, the enmeshment became so normal to us that we forgot that the landscaper intended us to be two separate plants.

After reading all of this, you may be concerned that you are slightly - or maybe even greatly- enmeshed with another person. Maybe it’s your husband, your wife, or even one of your parents. Consider the questions below to better understand your current situation.

After reading all of this, you may be concerned that you are slightly - or maybe even greatly- enmeshed with another person. Maybe it’s your husband, your wife, or even one of your parents. Consider the questions below to best understand your current situation.

1. Does my husband/ wife/ friend/ parent encourage me to pursue activities that do not involve them?

2. Does my husband/ wife/ friend/ parent encourage me to discover and use my spiritual gifts?

3. What do I like to do for fun? Do I have hobbies that I enjoy?

4. In what areas do I have the most difficulty making decisions? When did the difficulty start?

5. What words describe me? What words would I like to describe me?

6. Am I using my gifts and passions to do the Lord’s work? What is hindering me from doing so?