The Philippians 4:8 Marriage

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Philippians 4:8

I am an Overthinker.

How do I know? I can sit in silence for hours and am still be exhausted by the intensity of my own thoughts. Ideas, sights, sounds, emotions, and images play in my mind over and over like a low budget indie film. This is not a problem as long as these thoughts, ideas, sights, sounds, emotions, and images are helpful and uplifting. It is when they begin to take a dark spin that the overthinking becomes a problem.

Sometimes, when difficult events occur the images, sights, and sounds left over from that event bounce around in my brain until a. I am able to tuck them away (for later use) or b. they bang around so much that they break into a million different pieces, all of which require additional rumination.

If I am not careful, I can spend an entire day on one little difficult thought...and as you may know - especially if you are an Overthinker like me - too much time spent on dark thoughts may result in anxiety and depression. Or at the very least a terrible mood. Sometimes a headache.

Ironically (and luckily) I am married to someone who is just the opposite of me. He rarely has a thought or emotion that he does not talk about. He talks about his worries, his emotions, his opinions, his tentative plans, his set in stone plans… all of it. All the time.

Most mental health professionals will tell you that my husband’s approach to thinking is the healthier one. Releasing your negative thoughts into the air through your words allows you to stay in the here and now - which is usually the best place to be.

There are actually a lot of great things about the Overthinker/ Happy Talker relationship dynamic.

He is positive upbeat and friendly. Because he is not lost inside his own head, he is free to be a great friend and a great leader. Me? I am not as much of a talker and I so I am free to be a listener. If you tell me a problem, I will think about it from all angles before helping you to arrive at a solution.

By now, you have probably assigned roles to you and your spouse and your marriage may fall into one of the following five types:

Type #1 Spouse 1: The Overthinker

Spouse 2: The Happy Talker

Type #2 Spouse 1: The Happy Talker

Spouse 2: The Happy Talker

Type #3. Spouse 1: The Overthinker

Spouse 2: The Overthinker

Or maybe, it’s hard to label your roles because you both take turns being the Overthinker and the Happy Talker and your marriage is actually a type #4:

Type #4. Spouse 1: Sometimes an Overthinker/ Sometimes a Happy Talker

Spouse 2: Sometimes an Overthinker/ Sometimes a Happy Talker

If you are the Overthinker in your relationship - don’t despair. Most Overthinkers will always be prone to overthinking. It is simply who we are and it is not a mistake. We have a very special place in ministry.

Sometimes though, us Overthinkers need some help when those negative thoughts seem to be taking over.

Here are some practical ways that the #1 relationship types can provide support to their Overthinking counterparts:

a. Ask your Overthinker what it is that they are thinking. Purposefully stop talking long enough to hear what your Overthinker is saying.

b. After your Overthinker has told you what they were thinking, ask open-ended questions that will encourage your Overthinker to talk even more.

c. After you are sure that your Overthinker is done talking, repeat back to them what you heard them say. Ask if what you heard is correct.

*Quick Tip from an Overthinker to a Happy Talker: Don’t offer too much advice or quick and easy options to fix all the negative thoughts. If there was an easy way to stop thinking about this stuff or if our problems had easy solutions, we would have thought of it already. Validate our concerns and let us know that you are simply here to listen.

And here are some great ways for the Overthinker to help themselves if their Happy Talker is not available, or if (gasp) your relationship looks more like a type #3 or #4:

a. Memorize Philippians 4:8 and think of images to match the words true, noble, right, pure, excellent and praiseworthy. Have these images ready to sub in for for those negative ones as they arise.

b. Journal your thoughts - get them out onto paper before they bang around in your head too much. If you are worried about another person finding your writing, you can shred the paper as soon as your done. I promise you, the simple act of getting those thoughts out of your head and onto the paper will be helpful.

c. Use a piece of paper to separate your thoughts into two categories: Unhelpful Thoughts and Truthful Thoughts. The best way to do this is on paper - remember; get those thoughts (especially the unhelpful ones) out of your head as soon as possible.

For those couples that are Overthinker/ Overthinker (#3) or the Sometimes Overthinker/ Sometimes Overthinker (#4) I can say with confidence that if you commit to Philippians 4:8 thinking YOU WILL BE OKAY. Don't worry if you get off track, everyone does. Scripture always provides us a way back.

Need some more scripture to fill your marriage, mind, and heart with? Don't worry, God has provided a lot of passages that will be helpful to you. There are too many to list here, but here are a few of my faves:

Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:7

Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18:

We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.

1 Corinthians 10:5

Which relationship dynamic does your marriage most likely resemble?

After reviewing the strategies to help Overthinkers - what do you think would be the most helpful to the Overthinker in your relationship?